Saturday 12 December 2015

Anxiety pt 2



Guess whose back another month later. Again?
Im not sure if people will remember but over summer I uploaded a blog post about how I deal with anxiety, whether it be other peoples or my own. If you don't, im going to link it here - [x]

Well, heres another post about it because within the past few months, its got pretty bad again so rather than bottle all my crap up i'm using this blog as a diary, which was what it was started up for in the first place. 

Im not sure if I wrote it on here, but in October I got a job on Fashion Accessories in House of Fraser, working on gloves. New jobs always freak me out, I absolutely hate meeting new people! It means having to get to know new people, and actually having to find things to talk about which is always awkward. Especially because you're never sure of peoples personalities. However, Fashion Accs wasnt actually too bad as there wasnt actually that many people on there, which was nice. I ended up working there for a month, when I actually got a job with House of Fraser rather than working for an outside company. That was all well and good but it meant moving to a different department. Not just a different department, but a bigger one. 


This is where my anxiety flared up. Im not gonna lie. Menswear in Cheltenham was always very daunting to me. Whenever I walked past there, it just seemed very different to Cardiff's menswear which was always going to happen, but I didnt think I'd find it so hard to find people to interact with. Like, its always nice to have a work buddy. By work buddy, I mean someone you can just have a laugh with, and maybe cause a little bit of trouble with. Im pretty sure i've had that in nearly all the jobs i've had. Over summer, im pretty sure I got told off for talking to one person so much. In Cheltenham, I thought there was going to be NO WAY I would find that person and at the moment, that thought would be living up to expectation. Last Saturday, I got invited out to the menswear christmas night out, and quite frankly, I wasnt going to go. I didnt know anyone very well so I didnt see much point knowing how little i'd end up talking. So when I got home from my shift that day, I received a message asking if I was going to go. At this point, I was pretty bored and in the flat on my own so I decided to go. 

This probably was a pretty much HUGE mistake. From what I remember it was a good night. From what I remember! 
I decided to start on the Sambuca shots just to get my nerves out of the way, because I know how confident I am when Ive had a few drinks. The morning after and i've had my purse and keys stolen and my brand new Iphone 6 wouldn't turn on and was pretty smashed up. I went in to work to find out that a few things had happened the night and people knew before me. 
To make things worse, half way through my shift in work I rang my mam and quite literally broke down in the middle of the staffroom, where people from my department actually saw.
I went home after my shift and took me quite a lot of strength to come back to Cheltenham. Im not gonna lie, Im still not 100% sure I even want to be here still. It takes a lot for me not to want to be in Cheltenham, because before all of this happened I was hoping to live here after I had finished uni. Now, I shake quite often and the thought of even being in Cheltenham makes me tear up a little bit.

I dont think i'd had even cheered up the little amount I have done if it werent for Emily actually cheering me up. I genuinely think that shes being trying her hardest and I cant thank her enough. 

Overall, anxiety sucks and I dont think any of that crap would have happened if I wasnt so nervous. 
In my last blog post, I wrote some things that helps people out when they're feeling shitty(anxious) so I thought I'd write up some of my tells(what happens when I think im close to having a panic attack or feeling nervous)

  • I know if im close to having a panic attack I genuinely cannot be consoled so usually I start crying, and I cant breathe. The past few times ive had them, they've been in work and I was quite literally an ugly mess. My make up had been cried off or wiped off with tissues and you could hear my chest wheezing. 
  • Im also pretty grabby with myself. Im not sure if that makes any sense but I keep my sleeves over my hand, im wringing my hands or im scratching my chest. 

I know this was a bit of a personal one, and im really sorry if you didnt enjoy it very much but it was just something I needed to write. 
Heres to hoping the next post will be a bit more upbeat.
Kirst x

P.S I thought this picture was very important so i thought I would add it in.

1 comment:

  1. Kirsten, life is not always as bad as it seems, take a breath, hold your head up high and fight the urge to run and hide, face your demons head on otherwise you will be forever running. You are a lovely girl, with a heart of gold, don't let one night dictate the rest of your life, we've all been there and the we all come out the other side, a much stronger person - just remember "what doesn't break you makes you", live your dreams and don't let anybody dictate to you, take care xxx