Sunday 27 December 2015

Happiness can be fun, I guess.


Hi guys.

You know those days where you scroll aimlessly through the internet looking for something to do, or read because you're that bored? Well I was doing that the other day and I came across the best article that inspired me to write this. 
At this present moment, Im going through a bit of shit. My anxiety has come back in full force, Im struggling with motivation to do anything and im finding it quite hard being on my own at the moment which is strange, because i usually hate company. 
Although, i've already written something something like this I thought i'd do it again because the other one is quite old and my tastes and habits have changed quite drastically in the past two years and we long-standing readers of this awful blog will know how much I like to write a good ole list. 
I usually give myself a number that i keep to and its usually ten, im just gonna keep going until I run out of things that make me happy because why not. 

  1. Cathy and my best buds, also known as my mum, Hannah, Emily, Ellie, and Jenny. 
  2. Cats. 
  3. Dancing around my room in my underwear
  4. Putting makeup on
  5. New purfume
  6. Long walks around pitville park (usually quite late at night)
  7. Receiving things in the post that arent bills
  8. Online shopping
  9. Shopping around town
  10. Being paid
  11. A good hug when you need it (Quite a big part of my happiness)
  12. Being drunk and one of my fav songs come on
  13. The smell of fresh washing
  14. Banter
  15. New things 
  16. Food
  17. Sleep
  18. Having girly nights where I do my eyebrows and put a facemask on
  19. Taking my bra off at the end of the day
  20. Having a good cry when things arent going right. 
  21. Facetiming Megan
  22. Making other people smile
  23. Manners (IMPORTANT)
  24. Getting 11 likes on an instagram post
  25. A good cup of tea
  26. That weather thats cold enough to have to wear a coat but not rainy
  27. Popping bubble wrap
  28. Knowing that you havnt got anything to do that requires effort the next day
  29. That person that always makes you happy actually making effort
  30. Crawling into cold sheets
  31. Going on a date that turns out well
  32. Getting the window seat on a train
  33. Finding a pen you love and not losing it straight away
  34. Making someone cry with laughter
  35. Having something to smile about. 
  36. Listening to someone tell a story that makes them happy.
  37. Waking up and realising you dont have to awake for a few more hours
  38. Cats. (repeated and not even sorry)
  39. Websites like Buzzfeed and Tumblr.
  40. Disney songs
  41. Getting a nice text off your family
  42. Having something to look forward to (Amsterdam)
  43. The smell of flavoured coffee
  44. Getting your eyeliner perfect
  45. Being kissed on the forehead.
  46. Being right
  47. Going to a till and finding out something is on sale
  48. Spending time with people that love you
  49. Someone trusting you with something they dont want others to know
  50. Having a "confident" day

Hope you enjoyed that little nugget.
Enjoy your new year!
Kirst x

Saturday 12 December 2015

Anxiety pt 2



Guess whose back another month later. Again?
Im not sure if people will remember but over summer I uploaded a blog post about how I deal with anxiety, whether it be other peoples or my own. If you don't, im going to link it here - [x]

Well, heres another post about it because within the past few months, its got pretty bad again so rather than bottle all my crap up i'm using this blog as a diary, which was what it was started up for in the first place. 

Im not sure if I wrote it on here, but in October I got a job on Fashion Accessories in House of Fraser, working on gloves. New jobs always freak me out, I absolutely hate meeting new people! It means having to get to know new people, and actually having to find things to talk about which is always awkward. Especially because you're never sure of peoples personalities. However, Fashion Accs wasnt actually too bad as there wasnt actually that many people on there, which was nice. I ended up working there for a month, when I actually got a job with House of Fraser rather than working for an outside company. That was all well and good but it meant moving to a different department. Not just a different department, but a bigger one. 


This is where my anxiety flared up. Im not gonna lie. Menswear in Cheltenham was always very daunting to me. Whenever I walked past there, it just seemed very different to Cardiff's menswear which was always going to happen, but I didnt think I'd find it so hard to find people to interact with. Like, its always nice to have a work buddy. By work buddy, I mean someone you can just have a laugh with, and maybe cause a little bit of trouble with. Im pretty sure i've had that in nearly all the jobs i've had. Over summer, im pretty sure I got told off for talking to one person so much. In Cheltenham, I thought there was going to be NO WAY I would find that person and at the moment, that thought would be living up to expectation. Last Saturday, I got invited out to the menswear christmas night out, and quite frankly, I wasnt going to go. I didnt know anyone very well so I didnt see much point knowing how little i'd end up talking. So when I got home from my shift that day, I received a message asking if I was going to go. At this point, I was pretty bored and in the flat on my own so I decided to go. 

This probably was a pretty much HUGE mistake. From what I remember it was a good night. From what I remember! 
I decided to start on the Sambuca shots just to get my nerves out of the way, because I know how confident I am when Ive had a few drinks. The morning after and i've had my purse and keys stolen and my brand new Iphone 6 wouldn't turn on and was pretty smashed up. I went in to work to find out that a few things had happened the night and people knew before me. 
To make things worse, half way through my shift in work I rang my mam and quite literally broke down in the middle of the staffroom, where people from my department actually saw.
I went home after my shift and took me quite a lot of strength to come back to Cheltenham. Im not gonna lie, Im still not 100% sure I even want to be here still. It takes a lot for me not to want to be in Cheltenham, because before all of this happened I was hoping to live here after I had finished uni. Now, I shake quite often and the thought of even being in Cheltenham makes me tear up a little bit.

I dont think i'd had even cheered up the little amount I have done if it werent for Emily actually cheering me up. I genuinely think that shes being trying her hardest and I cant thank her enough. 

Overall, anxiety sucks and I dont think any of that crap would have happened if I wasnt so nervous. 
In my last blog post, I wrote some things that helps people out when they're feeling shitty(anxious) so I thought I'd write up some of my tells(what happens when I think im close to having a panic attack or feeling nervous)

  • I know if im close to having a panic attack I genuinely cannot be consoled so usually I start crying, and I cant breathe. The past few times ive had them, they've been in work and I was quite literally an ugly mess. My make up had been cried off or wiped off with tissues and you could hear my chest wheezing. 
  • Im also pretty grabby with myself. Im not sure if that makes any sense but I keep my sleeves over my hand, im wringing my hands or im scratching my chest. 

I know this was a bit of a personal one, and im really sorry if you didnt enjoy it very much but it was just something I needed to write. 
Heres to hoping the next post will be a bit more upbeat.
Kirst x

P.S I thought this picture was very important so i thought I would add it in.